Summary: Martin and Samantha reach critical levels.
Date: PHD128 (8/24/09)
Related Logs: None

Late afternoon has come and gone, leaving many of the enlisted to find their place in the mess hall for a loving spoonfull of dinner. Martin eats alone and quickly gathers up his novel and heads through the decks towards one of the quiet storage rooms he tends to inhabit. Lowering himself down onto a pile of sacks filled with linens, he props his feet up on a nearby shelf and opens his book.

While they've had some time together lately, it hasn't been much. Opposite CAP rotations, Sam hanging off with a bunch of different people and Martin in his little group. Sleeping together sometimes, but even that's been hard depending on their shifts. Someone's always tired. So… it's been hard, needless to say… actually making this almost 'work'. Now, Sam knows he's off shift… but not finding him in either of their bunks, she weaves through the ship to search in the usual places. Finally, she comes upon that storage closet, knocking lightly and sticking her head in…"…hey.."

Martin recognizes the sound of her voice and lifts a hand to wave in her direction. "No one in here but us goblins." He replies. Closing his book and setting it down beside him, he looks around to the pile of sacks and scoots over. Giving her room for what he assumes will be her arrival, he clears his throat. "You've been hard to get a hold of."

Samantha steps in, shutting the door behind her and giving a faint smile. "I could say the same to you." She confesses, sinking down onto the floor next to him and pulling out a pack of new cigarettes. Gods know what she had to do to get those, but she has them. She offers one in his direction first.

Taking the cigarette and pulling out a lighter, he sparks his and then extends the flame towards her. Voice muffled by the cigarette due to his busy hands, he looks to her face. "It's not that big a ship. You just haven't been waking me much on my off hours when I'm crashed."

Samantha settles there near him, not touching close, but almost. Things are near awkward at the moment, at least on her end, and that's strange. She takes another cigarette herself, leaning over to let him light it for her…"You look so peaceful. And… when we can get sleep these days… well… I let you get sleep, you know?"

Taking the cigarette from his lips, Martin balances his elbow over a propped up knee and turns his head to face her. Exhaling the smoke out of the side of his mouth, he looks her over as he speaks. "You know me, I'm just another duck on the pond. Calm above the surface and feet flapping underwater like a bastard." He smirks sarcastically. "So you're hunting me down or am I stealing your hiding space?"

Samantha nods in affirmation to his first comment…"I'm hunting you down. Stealing -your- hiding space, I suppose. I… I've been missing you." She admits, her eyes slipping to the side, not quite meeting his gaze as she takes another deep drag of her fresh cigarette…

"Suppose?" Martin asks, looking to her face. Watching her gaze slightly to the side, a small knot of tension appears in his shoulders. Bringing the cigarette to his lips, he takes a soft drag and pulls the smoke into his lungs. Exhaling, he runs a hand through his hair. "I heard a rumor about CAP chatter…"

Samantha winces, just a touch. She half came to fess up, truth be told, and to partially examine why it happened. Of course, reasoning behind these things makes them no easier. She takes another deep drag of her cigarette…"What's true?…Thorn crashed out in my bunk with me for two hours before CAp yesterday… that's it. I was half asleep, he was there… we took a nap. Certain the rumors have made it sound worse but… yeah. I know that ain't exactly good either…"

"Get to the point." Martin replies with a shake of his head. Ashing his cigarette, he brings it to his lip and pauses to speak before taking a drag. "We both know you, you wouldn't crash in a bunk with him to nap or to frak unless you were entertaining the idea. We've been hit and miss lately and I admire your honesty but…" He shrugs, taking a drag from his cigarette.

Samantha winces a touch at the sudden slight sharpness in his voice. She pushes one hand through her blonde hair, sighing a touch…"I don't know. I know I ain't good enough for ya. never have been. Your sister knew it from the beginning. Guess everyone's been right…" Sam confesses, still not quite able to meet his eyes.

Martin blinks, staring at his boot in silence. One set of fingertips drums on his thigh as he considers what to say. Teeth clenching beneath his lips in a scowl, he turns to look at her. "Don't give me that bullshit, Sam. Wasn't too long ago you came to me and gave me the 'lets do this for good' talk and wedged one hell of a wedge between Eddie and I only for you to give me this easy way out bullshit."

Samantha blinks, frowning a bit deeper as he says that. "If you didn't -want- to do this for good… if you didn't want to…give up your other frak buddy, you should have just -said-. I didn't want to make you do something you didn't want. yes…I wanted this too. I still -do- want it. But… I don't know…It feels like we're never there. We decide to do this… then I see you as much as I did when I was down on Scorpia."

Martin gives Samantha a deadpan look. "No, you're not going to take that escape route either. If I wanted to keep those things I wouldn't have said I was okay with this. Stop doing that, Sam." Martin replies, turning his head to drag off of his cigarette. "So you still do want it but you're sidling up to Thorn? Are you trying to make me jealous or something?"

Samantha takes another drag of her own cigarette, standing up then, needing to pace, even if it's 2 or three feet in any given direction in the small closet. She's restless, nervous… feeling more than a bit trapped, and not just physically. She sighs. "I… I don't know. Really. Honestly. Thorn's… a great guy. If you weren't here, yes… I'd have jumped him already. But I didn't. I was half asleep… practically drunk tired.. and he was there. nothing happened more than sleep. I don't know… how to take that part of my brain. IT's how I've always been… the shit people say about me must be true."

Martin watches her from his seated position, extending his arm towards a small cup to tap the ashes inside. One eyebrow lifts at her mentioning that had he not been in the picture that she'd have slept with Thorn. "Must be a pretty swell guy…" Martin says sarcastically with a pair of flattened lips. Bringing the cigarette to his lips, he takes a drag and continues speaking as he exhales. "Your answer should have been that you were in a relationship and you didn't want to be dishonest to the person you allegedly love." He says, making airquotes.

Samantha stops, looking straight down at him, her eyes dead serious. "I do love you, Martin. Nothing… nothing stops that. Nothing's stopped it before. Even through… Ajax… and the fights… through it all, I've loved you. I love you now. I don't think I can… can not love you." Sam admits flatly, her voice dead serious, honest there… no doubt in her tone at all.

Martin rises slowly and turns to face her. His eyes gaining that deadened, tired look to them, he lets his cigarette dangle from between two of the knuckles on his right hand. His eyes blink twice during the long wait before he speaks again. "Samantha." He pauses, lowering his head to look at her slightly from beneath his brow ridges. "When we talked about forging this for good, I don't exactly understand where I'm not supposed to have low enough self esteem to be okay with you doing this shit behind my back. On my spare time while you were out spending time with this guy who…" He extends his hands in a surrenduring gesture. "…I'm so sorry that myself being in the picture has kept you from frakking, I was spending my time being loyal even though we were on frakked up shifts."

Samantha's eyes go wide, staring at him, "I didn't -do- anything, Martin! Frak. The first time I was tempted I…i frakking came here! I told you. I fessed up…I'm sorry it happened. Sorry I took a nap with a friend! Yeah, I shouldn't have, and I'm sorry, I'll work on being better! I… I don't know how to frakking change the past or I would! I'm -sorry-!" HEr voice cracks a bit there, definitely in shock over the whole matter… she knew he wouldn't be cool with it, but not that things would go this bad.

"What the frak, Samantha?!?" Martin barks out in a sudden fit of disbelief. "So you tell me he's a great guy, you've napped with him in your bunk which is actually further from the bunk that you share with me, and that you'd have frakked him if not for me being around and you've got the nerve to pull the sorry I took a nap with a friend bit?" Martin blinks, now officially fighting with her. Here's hoping the hatch is somewhat soundproofed. "Change the past? Samantha you don't do jack shit to change the present. Make your gods-damned mind. Do you want to work on being better or did you come in here hoping that I'd dump your shit so you could have your shot with him?"

Samantha seems a hint surprised, staring down at him, a small hint of hope in her eyes. "You… aren't going to leave me? I… I came in here hoping to fess up to being stupid, say I'm sorry… and remind myself that yes, frak…I love you. Stars and moons and all the gods be damned planets I love you… even if we never see each other. Even if you got Eddie and I got Thorn and eyes might be tempted that… frak…I want to be here. And I do… and I came hoping i hadn't frakked it up already even though I am stupid… and I'm trying to break old habits, but frak it's hard… but I didn't do anything. I came here to make certain… certain I was honest… that I gave you the respect you deserved, even when I did frak up… because I do love you."

Martin moves across the floor to stand in front of her. Adopting a fuming posture with his arms folding across his chest, he bores holes into the back of her head. Looking to the side as he's accessing more rational parts of his brain, his brows knit together in deep concentration. "What do you want to do?"

Samantha stares across, into his eyes, breathing deeply of her cigarette, exhales a bit shallow as her heart is racing in the mix of anger and passion involved through all of this. "…I… I want you to forgive me… I want to keep having the chance to… Try. To do this. I know it's not fair to ask… but you… you asked me. So that's what I want. I love you. I don't want to…lose this… because I was stupid."

Martin's eyes turn back to meet Samantha's as his chest rises and falls with heavy breathing. Pulse racing, he stares her down before finally breaking the lockdown to take a drag from his cigarette. Exhaling towards the floor, he looks back to her face. "I forgive you." He says, choosing his words. "And…I love you. You didn't ask me to try though, you asked me to do this with you. I did. You didn't ask me for a chance or a shot or anything like that. You asked for this to be it."

Samantha nods quietly… slowly, her lips settling into a bit of a line as she begins to touch on a fuller understanding of exactly what her mistake was. She exhales the breath of her cigarette, the sound a bit shakey, but she's trying to calm herself as they go, still standing stalk still infront of him, heart galloping in her chest, fingertips slightly trembling. "I know. I… I need to do that myself, too…"

"Too?" Martin asks, looking back to her face. Going quiet, his brows furrow as he takes another drag from his cigarette. "I committed to you, Sam. When I did this someone got hurt. The reason this person got hurt is because nomatter how you slice it, I chose you over her because as much as I'd hate to admit it you were offering me something that she couldn't." He takes in a deep breath and releases it. "I've had to live with that, feeling like an asshole and nearly destroying a friendship in the process. Worse off in doing that I made her feel abandonned when she was finally starting to feel like she had some stable ground underneath her." He pauses, ashing his cigarette onto the floor. "What I didn't know is that you were offering me something that you couldn't do either."

Samantha rubs one hand across her face…"I haven't… done anything, Martin. I came close, and I stopped. I slept. That was it. I got a few hours sleep… It won't happen again. The… the fact I stopped means I -can- do this. I want to… I love you. Yes, I was frakking tempted… but I'm still only human. I… I didn't do anything…" She murmurs, a hint softer than before, that bit of hope she was grasping so hard beginnign to slip between her fingertips.

"Yeah you did, Sam." Martin replies, locking his eyes on hers. His head shakes from left to right as he turns to start to walk back to where his book lays on the floor. Feeling a bit betrayed, he speaks as he turns. "One easy question, Samantha." He looks back to her, stopping near his book to look at her over his shoulder. "During this friendly nap, were either of your arms around eachother?"

Samantha pauses, bracing herself just a bit as she actually thinks back. She was half asleep when it all happened, having just woken up and decided to go back to bed instead of get up for a shower and breakfast. Most of it's a muss in her mind, but as she really thinks the situation over, her lips twist in a touch of a frown. "…I…I think I remember his arm around me. I was… mostly asleep… but… I think so." She honestly admits, sickened apology in her voice already. Shame.

Martin looks away from her and swipes up his book. Taking a final drag of his cigarette, he stubs out the butt into the cup and grabs it as well. Preparing to leave, it seems, he raises to his full height and moves to stand in front of Samantha. "My bunk is right across from yours. His bunk is right across the hall. That's a five second walk by my count. You two must have been dead tired to not make that five second walk and accidentally fall asleep in a bunk that you rarely ever sleep in, while I'm on CAP, with your arms around eachother."

Samantha winces a bit deeper…"I woke up… or half woke up, because people were talking… I had another two hours to sleep before my CAP… he was there. I said I was going back to sleep and… asked if he'd come. I wasn't thinking… i wasn't myself. I was half asleep and clearly not thinking and frak I'm sorry…I… don't want it to happen again… i won't let it. I won't…"

Martin pauses, blinking twice in Sam's direction. Lips flattening, there's a slight sound of cardstock crumbling as he white knuckles his grip on his paperback novel. "You're not being honest with me right now." Martin says simply, shaking his head as he turns to give his back to her. Taking his first slow step towards the door, he slides his book into his pocket.

Samantha's eyes shoot wide, staring at his back, a hint of betrayal in her gaze now also. "I AM Martin! Frak, I'm being entirely honest… even if…If it might destroy the one frakking good thing I have -left- in my LIFE, I'm being honest! Because you -deserve- it. That's how it frakking happened. I was barely awake. He stepped into the berthings, asked Kai where I was… I said I was there, btu I was going back to sleep and invited him to come. I wasn't thinking. I was just acting… On instinct, on stupid, shitty instinct…because that's what I've always done before with a man I liked. I woke up and felt like frakking shit. I feel like shit -now-… but at least I'm honest shit."

Martin stops dead in his tracks. Taking a deep breath, he speaks with his back to her. "So what do I do here, Sam? I've got a girl that invited a man into her bed. I've got an ECO who knows you're in a relationship with me stepping on another man's territory, and I've got an off-and-on wingman that I respect not letting me know that you invited another man to come sleep with you." Martin asks, looking back to her over his shoulder. "For frak's sake, Sam…"

Samantha shakes her head slowly, finally sinking down to the bedroll on the floor, her knees weak, stomach turning sickly at the thought of all this. "I don't know… Martin. I don't. I love you. I… I'm begging for forgiveness. for a chance to get it right. Because… I love you, and I do think we can do this… but that's the choice you have to make."

Martin closes his eyes and lets out a calming breath. Centering himself, he slowly opens his eyes and decidedly does not look in Samantha's direction. "You invited another man to put his arms around you because you were lonely no more than three weeks after you and I decided that we were gonna commit. Fine, you feel bad about it. I can accept that. I feel pretty sour about it too. Being tired and dumb doesn't excuse the fact that CIC crew are avoiding looking at me for shit they heard between the two of you on CAP that I don't even want to hear details of." Martin shakes his head and moves towards the door. "I said I forgive you, Sam, but I didn't say I'm taking you back. You two have my blessing."

Samantha stares at him, numb, in more than a bit of shock…"…Martin…please… tell me… how I can fix this. Please…. I love you." She calls after him, breathless, feeling very much like she's been punched straight in the gut.

Martin slows, but doesn't stop. Gripping the wheel of the hatch, he starts to spin it. "Would you just frakkin stop?" Martin says, looking back to her as he fights with himself on whether to leave or stay and fight. "What do you want me to say, Sam? Look, you napped with the guy and it was stupid? Fine, what about the chatter on the comms? What about him being great and you'd have frakked him if not for me and all of that piled up against the deal we made? You can't even admit that this shit is happening because you've been lonely while I've been on an off-CAP ship from yours. That still doesn't explain why you haven't been near the berthings while I've been staying close to there because my sister's arm is busted up and she just lost her wingman." Martin growls back, thoroughly annoyed. "Three weeks, Sam. It's been no more than three or four weeks. What can you do to fix this?" His tone gets sarcastic. "Uh, I dunno, how about not emotionally cheat?"

Samantha blinks against sudden, sharp tears in her green eyes, throat tighter than ever before to mix against the churning of her stomach. She allows her hands to tremble slightly, not able to grab another cigarette no matter how much she wants. "joking… all the comm chatter… just frakking joking. I joke with everyone… you know that. And yes, our schedules suck… I can't help that. I… can do more. I'll change my sleep schedule to yours. I can flip things around… we can make this work… "

Martin stops, looking towards Samantha's position on the floor. His features going quiet, his brain sends a signal down his arm that slowly starts the wheel of the hatch turning again. Stepping aside so that when he pulls open the hatch he will be near the opening, he tilts his eyes towards the floor. "Guess I deserved this." He says quietly before stepping out, slamming the door shut behind him.

Samantha jumps as the door is slammed, trying to say more… but it's too late. She just sinks to the side, all too happy to be alone, so she can just let the tears come and come…

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