Hands and What We Do With Them
Hands and What We Do With Them
Summary: Marissa catches Castor in a rare moment.
Date: PHD220
Related Logs: All the recent foo.

Leda, the perfectly healthy and unharmed Leda from the last couple of days is in the gym and he is beating the hell out of the heavy, not just the hell, he is beating every living ounce of himself into this bag as he is not looking like he is in a good place and his eyes are awake with pain and anger and few people if ever get to see Leda like this since he is normally the cheerleader of the Kharon, the voice of hope. He then begins to set in on a mean combo that goes throat 'the boys' and then a knee to the head and he shouts as he does this. It isn't words but rather a series of shouts and grunts. He then hangs on to the bad putting his arms around it as he says, "Frak….just frak."

Silent ship, silent space. It's creepy how quiet /Kharon/ has become in only two days. Even the silence seems to have a voice, the kind that echoes in the mind. Laughter, chatter, running footsteps… gone. We loved and were loved, and now we lie in the cold of space. And Mimi, the ship's other cheerleader, feels the absence keenly.
From the hallway, in what is otherwise deafening silence, the Aquarian girl can hear the sounds of the violence being done to… something. And to somebody's vocal chords. It's only when Cas mutters his final oach that the dark-haired near-flier realizes who it is. She dashes for the gym, her soft-soled flight boots thumping dully on the hard deck, wide-eyed fear for somebody writ large upon her face.

Leda doesn't turn at first and as he hears the doors open he says, "Either clear the godsfrakkingdamn room or sit there and let me punch you in the face because right now I am not in the mood." He then punches the bag, hard, very hard, so much so that a bit of blood comes out from one of his gloves. It would seem Leda has been at this for a while. "I'm sorry are you still here? I've lost three pilots." He then turns to face the door and a dark look is on his face which suddenly stops as it turns apologetic since he spots Mimi and he say, "I'm sorry." His face shows it and it is heavy on his face, "I…frak…Mimi I am not in a good place."

Mimi slams the door open, stopping just inside to look around. The first thing she sees is Cas punishing the bag. At his first words, the Aquarian freezes at the fury in his voice. And so she stays until he turns and sees her. She blinks, slowly willing her body out of its petrification. But the first thing she sees is his hand. "Cas… Cas, you're… bleeding. Your hand…" She slaps at the flap on her holster, unlatched in the hall, and hurries to join him. Looking at his hand is easier than looking into his eyes. The mingled feelings there are terrible.

Leda's hands behind the gloves are both bleeding since they have been hitting a bag now for over two hours, not that Mimi would know that. Clearly though Leda has been hitting the unholy hell out of the bag and he hasn't slowed down since he waltzed in her. As Mimi is offered his gloves since behind the gloves as she takes them off are his knuckles which are red and on both hands there is blood. Leda looks over at Mimi, "I can still shoot from a Viper and I can still shoot the enemy." He then says, "And yeah, I guess I am bleeding." He holds out both of his hands to Mimi since he is now bleeding through tape and gloves.

"Cas, you'll be lucky if you can /move/ your hands after this," is Mimi's reply. "These look like they've been shoved into a hamburger grinder!" She carefully peels the gloves away, having a care for his damaged hands. "What possessed you? I'm not even allowed to fly yet, and I know better than to do /this/ to myself!" Angry as she is, she still can't meet his eyes.

Leda says, "Three pilots died. One of them during a mission. I could have saved Mars and she died. I let her die. I let her die and she is dead because I couldn't pick up the slack." As she pulls the gloves off and the bandages Leda has been hitting the bag for a long time and his hands do look bad. Maybe they will work and maybe they wont but Leda needed this as he says, "What possessed me? Mimi, I let someone die. I lost a friend and I wish I hadn't done that. I mean I couldn't stop them." He then lowers his head not wanting to look in Marissa's eyes, "Mimi, I am supposed to be the pilot who cares, I am supposed to be the pilot that looks out for everybody, frak, my callsign is shepherd because I look out for others but three pilots are dead and I could do nothing to stop them." Emo much, well, maybe a little.

Mimi shakes her head. "Locker room. Now. I can help you clean this up, but Sickbay should do the bandaging and treating. I'm not much more than half of a paramedic." She points the way. "We'll talk there."

As Mimi begins to give Leda an order he looks at her for a moment and he says, "Alright, help me clean up because I'm not going to sick bay. I can still fly a bird." He then moves to a bag as he begins throwing stuff in a bag. For once the cheerleader of the Kharon doesn't look so hot, he looks tired. Not just tired he looks drained. He then begins walking with Marissa, "Mimi, this is draining me and you are the only person that can know this. Don't tell Kitty or Thea." First name terms with officers, why yes, he is. "Mimi they can never know how much this hurts me." He follows along with Mimi without much protest, "Someone has to hold the line. Someone has to hang in there. That someone is me and you are the first person to see how much it costs me."

Mimi shakes her head. "Cas, get it treated right. I can bandage you up, but I can't give you anything to speed things along. Right now, it's a little hot water to clean off this blood, then cold to keep the bruising down while I go get you some ice." She winces as she guides the man's hands down under the water, working as gently as she can though her hands tremble. "I won't tell them, but they're going to notice this kind of damage. What are you going to tell them?"

Castor looks at Mimi and he says, "We aren't going to tell them anything. I won't get my hands looked at because they are fine. This isn't my first time at the bag, Mimi." He then looks at Mimi as she works, "I am a pilot cleared for flight. I will fly because I won't give up and because my hands will still work….forget the blood that is minor." He then takes a moment to wince himself as the cold water hits, "If they see my hands I will tell them the truth, I won't lie about duty but this is minor in the grand scheme since a lot of pilots are down." He then tries to look Mimi in the eyes as he says, "And I will be in gloves while on flight. Mimi, I can do my duty…please don't doubt me on this since this isn't my first time punching a bag. I lost friends, Mimi, and this is how I let it out."

"Cas… it's not the blood. It's that you've /pulverized/ your joints, and that's what's going to hurt you in the cockpit." Reason just isn't working, but Mimi keeps trying. "A pilot needs flexible, quick hands, and even if you keep these iced and avoid swelling, the soreness is going to slow you down. And you'll stiffen if you keep them in the same position for too long." She finally lifts her eyes to his. "Cas, I'm not going to tell anyone anything. I'm going to leave that to you, and whether you do it or not isn't my business. But you're going to be impaired, however it happened."
She sighs softly. "If you keep this quiet, don't do it because you've got to take up the slack and make up for something that wasn't your fault. We're all stretched thin anymore. I know it hurts… but you can't be responsible for every man and woman in the wings. None of us can."

Castor looks at Mimi for a while as she works on his hands and he remains quiet for a long time as his hands are worked on and he says, "Mimi, it is my fault if I did my job Mars would have lived. If I was on call the rest of the pilots who died would have lived." His voice is heavy and guilt ridden since the cheerleader can't be a cheerleader all of the time. "Tell them if you want but I'm going to go on duty and I will work. Someone has to look out for everyone here and that is what I do here and when I fail it hurts." He then takes a second to pull his hands out of the water and his knuckles are big which means this has not been the first time he has done this and it won't be the last. "Mimi, this isn't my first dance with this and it won't be my last." He frowns heavily, "and it was my fault Mars would be alive if I had done my job." Clearly the pilot carries the guilt of every loss with him.

Mimi is silent for a long moment, laying her hands on his shoulders and letting him hold his hands under the water himself.. "You can't save them all, Cas," she finally whispers. "No one can, and it's ridiculous to think that every pilot who died in the last two days is /your personal fault/. They're not, any more than every stranded person on Aquaria who didn't get saved could be /my/ personal fault. We're only mortal. Flesh and blood has limits."

Leda turns to Mimi and he stops after a time and he takes Marissa into his arms as he leaves the water running and cold and wet hands wrap around the woman, "I want to save them all. I want them all to live and I know I can't. I'm not a savior and so every loss hurts me." He then says, "And that is why it hurts. Mars was a friend of mine, Mimi, and she is dead now and if I had just tried a bit harder a fraction of a second longer I would have saved her but I didn't." He then goes silent for a while as he continues to hold Marissa as he says, "And then what if I lost you? Hm? Then what?" His voice takes on tone, a dark tone, "Mimi, you have been good to me and I don't know what would happen if I lost you. Mimi, I love you." He says the words out loud for once, "And even if you don't love me that is okay but this is where we are."

Stunned, Mimi can only hug him, to try and light this darkness she can hear in his voice. Silence is Castor's answer.

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